Review: The Cabin in the Woods

Right, so I have a dilemma here. Either I review this as a horror film, or I review this as a film with no preconceptions. If I do the latter I like the film, if I do the former, then I don't. This is not a horror film, as much as it is full of the cliches. This is a spoof, with a farcical - although somewhat entertaining - ending.

It starts well enough, with some familiar cult faces popping up (Fred from Angel and Josh from the West Wing), switching from the intrigue of "the facility" to the introduction of the inevitably attractive teenage characters. Although at this point I've become bored and started playing Spot the Stiff, for those of you who haven't heard of it, it's where you guess who is going to die based on the cliche they represent. And this film is full of cliches, right down to the Creepy Guy they run into on their way to the titular cabin.

However, it does have odd moments, starting with a bird hitting an invisible force field - this is where I start to realise that this is not a horror film (and then I jump out of my skin when a trapdoor flies open). As the kids go down into the cellar and accidentally raise the dead, this ceases to be horror in my eyes and becomes a parody, where every cliche - trust me, you'll see them - is used to progress a very confusing story, during which comedy seems to be the aim of the game. Not to say it isn't funny, there are some brilliant lines, but it's turned into a waiting game. The audience knows that the real story lies in the government-style facility that seems to be offering up some kind of human sacrifice and that what happens to these kids before they find it is just irrelevant; some will die, some will live, but that's not the point anymore.

An hour in it finally starts to address the issue, with a fun little line that's dropped in about how drugs will protect you from shady organisations, but as it does the film becomes even more ridiculous. One man is killed by a unicorn. It's gone from a vaguely interesting horror parody to a bad version of a fantasy game where every conceivable monster is thrown out to fight, managing to kill everyone bar our protagonists. Why an actress with a reputation like Sigourney Weaver would choose to appear at this point, I don't know. Why the writers, including cult hero Joss Whedon, decided to end this film with a whimper rather than a bang is another mystery. It's comical at best.

If from the start they had decided this was going to be an adventure movie, a parody or even satire, this would have been more appealing, but to advertise this as horror and then hope the audience are interested in the "big twist" was a big mistake, and not really worth a horror fan's time.

Review: Resident Evil: Retribution

I have to say I am disappointed. As a fan of the Resident Evil franchise I was hoping that this would follow in the previous films' footsteps as a fun zombie shoot out with likeable characters, a videogame adaptation that actually worked. Unfortunately this latest installment jumped the shark just too high for me.
The opening was impressive, that can be said, picking up where the previous film left off on the Umbrella Corps ship in the middle of a fight - but in reverse slow-motion. Having watched that, however, the audience is treated to what feels like a second credits sequence with an alternate universe version of Alice's life, completely separate from any previous storyline but using previous characters, with no explanation. Even though it links it with the story later on, it feels disjointed just being dropped in at this point.
So when we finally rejoin Original Alice (what is Umbrella Corps' obsession with paper clothes?) it feels like another start sequence, only this time there should have been a large flashing sign reading Level 1. From the moment Milla Jovovich walks out of her prison and into the Umbrella Corps facility, the entire film becomes a videogame once again. Alice has to make her way out of the facility across large reconstructions of cities to reach the rescue team that is coming the other way to get her. This is where I start to get annoyed.
The computer point-of-view is juvenile, the plot is bizarre and the dialogue is so explanatory it feels like a game instruction manual. However, the most annoying plot point that the writers have used is this: the reconstructions are populated by clones, not just of Alice this time, but of previous characters from the franchise. In a film that makes no effort in character development, they seem to think they can bypass this by dropping in characters to whom the audience already has an attachment. It just seems lazy.
Between the lack of story, the arcade setup and the overuse of slow-motion, it was hard not to give up on this film. The escape and final battle were entirely predictable, even with a kickass Michelle Rodriguez headbutting a punch. All of this leads to the final scene, a setup for the next film, with a lot of dramatic shots of the what the world has become. (Why is there lava everywhere? Has the T-virus affected tectonic movement?)
Overall the most forgettable film in the franchise yet, lacking what made its predecessors engaging. Hopefully the sequel will get back to the best of Resident Evil.

Review: Sinister

Having had this in my "to-watch" list for some time, I finally decided to give it a go. The opening was sufficiently creepy: a super-8 recording of four people being hanged from a tree. (Let me get this out of the way before I continue: I lost count of how many times the phrase "people were hung" was used during this film. In my opinion, if you are going to go into writing as a career, you should be aware of the rules of the language you use. Pictures are hung, people are hanged.)
My expectations were immediately lowered when Ethan Hawke was introduced as our main protagonist. The Gattaca star has a long list of film credits to his name with the majority of his performances being completely forgettable. Nevertheless, I persevere.
The first twenty minutes are as mysterious as a game of Cluedo, with what the writer and director obviously hoped were subtle plot points practically being screamed at the audience - "What's rule number one? Don't go in daddy's office" - and hints as to how ridiculously reckless Hawke will act as the film goes on - "All I need is one more hit!" Finally the plot kicks in with the discovery of the super-8 footage in the loft, including the opening murders and several more. Desperate to write a best-selling true-crime novel, Hawke keeps the films to himself - the decision not to turn them over to the police is definitely poor, especially for the viewer's interest in the character  - and clues to the identity of the killer emerge as he investigates murders.
The filmmakers have added an interesting twist to the traditional haunted house story, but as this doesn't make any material difference until the end, the impression you get whilst watching it is one of horror cliches and cheap scares. The music composer deserves credit for creating suspense rather than the story, especially as Hawke is wandering around the house following banging sounds.
Forgiving a clumsy attempt at humour involving a young police officer, a real laughable moment occurs as the villain - referred to as Mr Boogie - conveniently appears like Where's Wally in all of the super-8 stock. As soon as the true nature of Mr Boogie is revealed - a good concept which is criminally glossed over - the ending plays out with frankly boring inevitability. It had scare moments, mainly down to the music, but I would have like to have seen a) more of the police chief, that character had potential, and b) more exploration of Mr Boogie, a villain dropped in with one line of explanation to tie several murders together in a way that seemed pretty lazy. As the credits role after one final scare moment, all I'm left with is apathy and Michael Jackson's Thriller playing in my head.